Q. When I decided to stay home with my child, I had no idea howlonely
it would be. I'm fine for part of the day, but then I get tiredof toddler games and wonder, what now? All of the others moms in myneighborhood work. If anyone else has been through this, I wouldappreciate some ideas.
B.R.
Tacoma, Wash.
A. The most obvious way to break a cycle of isolation is to headout to places where parents and their young children typically hangout - story times at local libraries, toddler gyms, music classes andarea parks. However, it's not always as easy as it sounds, accordingto mothers who have been there.
'The only thing I can possibly recommend is to get involved withsome sort of play group, the Y or Gymboree,' says Ellen Curley ofTrumbull, Ct. 'You almost have to force yourself to go and do this,but otherwise it's a very lonely existence. You really have to getout there and try.'
One mother, Jessa Haynes from North Canton, Ohio, has evenresorted to introducing herself to other moms on the playgrounds atfast food restaurants.
'Tell the moms, 'Hey, I'm new at this. Do you know of any playgroups?' More than likely the other moms are looking for things todo, too,' Haynes says. 'It takes a little bit of swallowing pride,but it's worth it.'
It may help to think of such boldness as networking, much like youused to do on the job, says Barbara Ferraro, a mom from HuntingValley, Ohio.
'The more she gets out, the more she'll be able to network and thehappier she'll be,' Ferraro says.
Your new role at home is a job. After reader Jody L. Ziskind ofGlen Arm, Md., decided to stay home full time, she got business cardswith her name, phone number and 'Mother-At-Home' printed on them.
'They are very handy for networking with other moms that I meet atthe library, grocery store and church,' she says.
Parents often are surprised to find themselves lonely at home, andit can happen quickly, says Darcie Sanders of Chicago, co-author of'Staying Home: From Full-time Professional to Full-time Parent'(Little, Brown & Co., $12.95).
'Getting out with a new baby can seem like an extraordinary effortbecause the learning curve is so high with everything you have to dowith a baby,' Sanders says. 'The isolation can become a viciouscycle, and it does take some effort to break out of it.'
Don't expect to make friends all in the first week, Sanders says.
'Once you find some moms, don't invite them to your home atfirst,' she says. 'Start with a neutral setting, such as gettingtogether at a park.'
These more casual meetings at first give both people a chance tosee if they have anything in common.
Here are some practical tips from stay-at-home parents:
- Join or start a baby sitting co-op, suggests Kathryn Knecht ofAvondale, Ariz. 'You can post fliers in the neighborhood,' she says.
- Church is the best place to find moms in the same boat, saysL.T. of Carrollton, Texas. 'If your church doesn't have a mothers'group, start one,' she says.
- Make at-home time more stimulating by developing hobbies andincluding your children in them, suggests Melia Beckwith of Phoenix,Ariz. 'Gardening, sewing and crafting are hobbies of mine thatbecame neglected,' she says. 'So did my sanity.'
- 'Welcome Home' magazine, published by Mothers at Home, offerssupportive stories and other writings, says Jody L. Ziskind of GlenArm Md. For a free sample copy, call (800) 783-4666.
- Join a national mother's group such as F.E.M.A.L.E. (FormerlyEmployed Mothers At The Leading Edge), suggest moms like Linda Riessof Brook Park, Ohio. For information on the chapter nearest you,contact the national office at (800) 223-9399.
- Another group is the MOMS Club (Moms Offering Moms Support).For more information on the chapter nearest you, write InternationalMOMS Club, 25371 Rye Canyon Road, Valencia, CA 91355.
- Don't feel you must entertain your child all day, severalparents say. 'You must remember to take care of yourself,' saysAngela Poole of Monroe, N.C. 'Find a health club or YMCA that offerschild care during the exercise classes.'
Can you help?
Here's a new question from a parent who needs your help. If youhave tips, or if you have questions of your own, please call ourtoll-free hotline any time at (800) 827-1092. Or write to ChildLife, 2322 Hales Road, Raleigh, NC 27608, or send e-mail tobevmills@aol.com
BEER TASTING: 'My 9-year-old son likes to taste my husband'sbeer,' says P.W. of Charlotte, N.C. 'My husband doesn't see anythingwrong with just letting him have a taste every now and then, but I'mnot so sure. My son giggles and thinks it's funny. Can this do anyharm?'
